Adoption - Guide to Successful Older Child Adoption

How to have a successful older child adoption? Planning is the key. We all want to believe in fairy tales; it's human nature. Problems after placement? Not our child! Our child will sail through, adjust at record speed, and become the benchmark by which all others will be measured.

That's unlikely.

If you are reading this, you are becoming aware, investigating, and preparing in advance, all of which bodes well both for you and your child. There will still be issues. Plan for them. Plan for success and it will be yours. Here's what to do:

    Adoption Agency: if adopting through an adoption agency, consider only agencies where most of the staff have adopted older child. Most means 66.6% or two-thirds. Why? They possess expertise you may need later, and it will be easily available to you.
    Whether adopting through foster care or an agency or both (some states require use of an adoption agency to adopt from foster care) all parents adopting older children need support and should start organizing support pre-adoption. Meet with families who have already adopted older children. Join a support group--form one if a support group for parents who've adopted older children doesn't exist in your area.
    Learn about different types of therapy. Play therapy, talk therapy, and cognitive based trauma focused therapy are three types of therapy often used with kids adopted at older ages. Different therapies work with different kids. Learn about this now when you can do so in a relaxed manner. You don't need to be an expert, rather one Google search and a few notes in your preparation notebook will suffice. Locate therapists who do each type of therapy in your area and accept your insurance (or have sliding fee scales). If you do this now, you can avoid undo stress later.
    Consider how you'll handle structure. Transitioning children of all ages benefit from structure. It helps them feel calm. Posting a schedule of activities can be very helpful, with new activities every 15 or 30 minutes, based on the developmental age of the child. If necessary, use an egg timer to help them mark time and anticipate transition.
    Consider how you'll handle relaxation: both yours and your child's. Some children don't know how to relax. Engage them in an active hobby by day, such as hiking or bicycling. You may need to avoid activities that could be competitive at first, as these activities may elicit aggressiveness. Yoga is a great activity for parents and kids. At night, don't assume your child can relax and go to sleep. Work with them to help them relax and feel safe and eventually, sleep will become an easy part of your routine.
    Support: Parenting an older child is similar to parenting any child in that it requires energy. Plan breaks, recreation, and a little time off so that you can be the best parent possible.
    Expect problems. It may sound grim, but the parent who expects a rocky start is pleasantly surprised. The parent who expects a smooth, easy transition can become resentful. Be realistic. Just like in any new relationship, there is learning to be done by all involved.